My Rant

If there are any guys reading this, I caution you ahead of time, its not a conversation that I would have with a guy but I need to vent. My thoughts are driving me crazy.
As many of you know I had a tumor, named Charlie, by Liz, when Karl and I first got married. This tumor loved me and I HATED him. He caused me so much heart ache and trials. I have said too much about him already but I wanted to remind you of him because when I was pregnant with Tyler it was the most wonderful experience in my life, up to that point. After he was born it was worth it to deal with Charlie for over a year and a half and I am thankful to my doctor for doing the surgery that he did NOT want to do. Tyler has been the best blessing in my life, close to my husband of course.
I feel dumb and embarrassed when I think that I am pregnant again. I had dreams about it, Karl had dreams about it. Even in my dream this morning a woman was telling me that even when the test says negative that I am still pregnant. SO today was the day that I would take the test. Yesterday I woke up in a panic because nothing was going on down stairs. When I got up I took the test and then realized that my visitor came. Then I saw the test was negative.
If we were pregnant we would have been VERY unprepared. Number one I need to LOSE weight and number two we need to get RID of bills. It was completely logical to not need the stress of bringing another itty bitty into our family, but my LOGIC goes out the window. Did I meantion Karl STILL loves me despite this. I wanted to hold another baby in my arms that was a part of me and know that my Heavenly Father was trusting me with another precious child.
Then as I was mulling over ALL my feelings I heard Tyler in his room waking up. I went in there and there was my beautiful baby boy waiting for me to take care of him and love him and play with him. I am so blessed that I get the blessing EVERY day to have my son and husband with me and are there to help me remember that I am loved and Heavenly Father does know my needs and he will bless me when he knows I am ready.